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DADAistisches und dadaLOSES

Cloverfield: seltsame Forschungen von Tagruato

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Und wieder was neues, gefunden von Jawbone bei Unfiction: Tagruato hat gerade die kritischen Berichte dementiert, die über Slusho! in wissenschaftlichen Zeitschriften verbreitet werden.

Ravaille Research Center, wohl der mächtigste Konkurrent der Korporation, hat ihre Forschungen untersucht und profit-orientierten Umgang mit wissenschaft kritisiert.
Eine schlecht gescannte Seite sickerte auf diesem Forum durch:

Ich habe sie mit Texterkennungssoftware (OCR) gescannt und hier kommen die Ergebnisse:

1265.08.41
Vol. 131. 476-491

Nectar (cont’d)
steady stream of print and media adevertising. nutritional intornianon concerning
Slusho! drink remains limited, leaving some suspicious consumers with a sour
in their mouths.
Last month, inadvertantly coinciding with public pressure from the FDA regarding
plans to finally import Slusho! to the United States, my department at the Ravaille
Research Center realised its own preliminary study on Slusho!‘s mystery ingrediends.
Despite slight food coloring changes to affect color and, in the case of Ch[???]
Rage, texture, our tests uncovered some surprisingly recognizable culprits.

Unfortunately, due to Slusho!‘s peculiar response ro traditional testing [methods?]
none of these ingredients could be definitively verified. We postulate the p[???]
presence of the following: Carbonated watet, glucose, sodium citrate, vitamit [???]
D-pantothenol, citric acid, oleoresin, gelatine, sucrose, acetate isobutyrate, phos-
phoric acid, carob bean gum, and potassium benzoate. True io their reputation, rep-
resentatives from Tagruato ignored our attemps at correspondence regarding
findings, despite repeat phone calls, emails, and an ill-fated office visit.

None of these ingredients, on their own, send up any health-related warning […]
Most are prevelant in any number of other publically available beverages. Except,
Of course, for the glaring blue whale in the room: Seabed‘s Nectar (‘kaitei no mitsu”), Slusho!‘s self-proclaimed “special ingredient“ and centerpiece of their prolific adver-
tising campaign has somehow evaded classification in any kind of international [???-
etary database. Unfortunately for the inquiring consumer, there’s no law that [forces???]
corporations to give all of the secrets of their recipes. Formulas for som of Slusho! competitors have remained hidden for over a century.

Tagruato hides behind these legalities when faced with questions regarding
acquisition methods and the chemical makeup of Seabed‘s Nectar, claiming the [???]
of rival companies has forced their silence. Tagruato’s successful evasion of both [gov???] ernment and privat research, however, may be costing a higher price for [country?]
that they realize. Assuming, despite public disagreement on the subject, that Seabed’s
Nectar does have the restorative powers that Tagruato claims in their campaigns or-
ganized research into the ingredient could lead to growth in preventative and homeo-
pathic medicine. Their choice to hide what could be a great benefit to the coll(ected)
knowledge of mankind seems both unethical and disgustingly profit-oriented.

Concerned about the wealth of information lost by Tagruato‘s negligent act (?)
my department managed to obtain a small sample of Seabed’s Nectar. Our [???-
sions are spotty at best, based on diluted specimens and poor investigative [???-
tions. Our findings are too consistent, however, to be discounted completely
short term exposure to the substance, some initial tests revealed accelerated
growth, increased strength, increased soft muscle tissue growth, sharper eyes,
better digestion. smoother skin, and a full-body, pleasant sensation that one of our
researchers actually dcscribed as “a wave of pure happiness”. The rest of this
will attempt to summarize our findings based on preliminary tests with Seabed’s
Nectar and, hopefully, lay die foundation for more extensive research. We all?
Our testing regimen with a current case study: the notorious documentary footage
depicting an 84-year-old woman drinking twelve large Slusho! Beverages and

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